“... About Nothing”

Viction by Melinda Kimberly

 

AUTHOR’S NOTES: 1) The first lines, from “Never seen it.” to “Okay” are directly taken from V FOR VENDETTA. 2) Thanks to the Bard (aka William Shakespeare) for the borrowed use of his lines from MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. 3) Everything else is mine.

 

(In the Shadow Gallery, Evey happens upon V while he is “sparring” with a suit of armor. After a flustered moment of recovery, V explains that his “bout” is inspired by his favorite film: THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO.)

 

Evey: Never seen it.

 

V: Really?

 

(He tilts his head slightly, an offer and an entreaty.)

 

V: Would you like to?

 

Evey: Does it have a happy ending?

 

V: As only celluloid can deliver.

 

(Evey considers the offer.)

 

Evey: Okay.

 

(V moves to put away his fencing sword.)

 

Evey: Is that a real fencing epeé?

 

(V turns, surprised.)

 

V: It is.

 

(He places the sword over his forearm, offering it grip-first to Evey. She takes it carefully. Brings it up in a fencer’s salute: sword point to the ceiling, then a sweep to the floor that cuts the air with a swwwwwwwp!)

 

V: Do you fence, Evey?

 

Evey (nodding): For a while. The only good thing about that awful school they sent me to was the fencing team.

 

V: The Juvenile Reclamation Project had a fencing team?

 

Evey: You wouldn’t think it, would you? They were pretending to be a real school system, and that meant offering good English sport. And the way our coach went on and on about it, you’d think the English had invented fencing.

 

V: I must say I’m surprised the student body was allowed to wield bladed weapons.

 

(Evey looks down the blade of V’s epeé, evaluating. Juggles it slightly to test its balance. Gives it an experimental bend to test its temper. She nods, impressed.)

 

Evey: Well, not everyone got to; the team only included nonviolent students in good standing - sort of an incentive. Plus all those happy, smiling faces at bouts made the rest of the public rest a little easier about the whole concept of “reclamation”.

 

V: And I expect a fencing team allowed the government to make the very best fencers “disappear”?

 

(Evey, swallowing hard at bitter memories, nods.)

 

Evey: I’d like to think they just went into some government programs. Got promoted. Became Fingermen or spies or something.

 

V: It would be nice to think so.

 

Evey: After we took the championship, my friend came back from the first interview. She was so happy, though I couldn’t get her to say what they’d offered her. Then the next day she was gone, like she’d never existed at all.

 

V: Black bagging without the black bags.

 

(Evey, looking slightly ill, offers the sword to V.)

 

Evey: Thanks. It’s beautiful.

 

(V looks at the sword as Evey turns to go. He considers. Straightens. Turns toward Evey’s retreating form in a strong pose.)

 

V: Never run from a fight, Evey; it will follow you wherever you go.

 

(Evey pauses. Gives him a measuring look.)

 

Evey: Why should I bother when we both know I won’t win?

 

V: Ahhhhhhh. I see. You’re content to scrub mirrors and floors to while away the hours?

 

(Evey’s stare turns to a glare.)

 

V: You’ll find a mop and bucket in the closet.

 

Evey: Did you just call me your maid?

 

V: If the shoe fits.

 

Evey (realizing): You’re goading me.

 

V: Yes.

 

Evey: Into a fight.

 

V: Yes.

 

Evey: With a man who’s taller, stronger, faster, smarter, and has better reflexes than I.

 

V: With a worthy adversary.

 

Evey: Why?

 

V: If we are to spend the next eleven months in close quarters, Evey, I should very much like to know what you’re made of.

 

(Evey considers. Half-smiles. Faces V, arms akimbo.)

 

Evey (BEATRICE)

            I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior Benedick:

            nobody marks you.

 

(V tosses her the epeé and retrieves another from the rack.)

 

V (BENEDICK)

            What, my dear Lady Disdain! Are you yet living?

 

(Evey catches the epeé handily and returns to fencing distance, a short five feet from the now-armed V.)

 

Evey (BEATRICE)

            Is it possible disdain should die while she hath

            such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick?

            Courtesy itself must convert to disdain, if you come

            in her presence.

 

(Epeé under his arm, V holds out a fencing jacket, an offering and a challenge.)

 

V (BENEDICK)

            Then is courtesy a turncoat.

 

(Evey sets her epeé aside. Thrusts her arms into the sleeves of the fencing jacket. Turns. Dons the offered fencing gloves while V fastens the straps on the back of the jacket.)

 

V (BENEDICK)

            But it is certain I am loved of all ladies,

 

(With one swift and startling motion, he pulls the groin strap up and back between Evey’s legs, cinching it to the loop at Evey’s waist with a jerk.)

 

V (BENEDICK)

            only you excepted:

 

(He presses a fencing helmet into Evey’s hand.)

 

V (BENEDICK)

            and I

would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard

            heart; for truly, I love none.

 

(V makes a courtly bow, retreating to fencing distance. Evey ducks into the helmet, arranging the neck collar into place by habit born of long practice and familiarity.)

 

Evey (BEATRICE)

            A dear happiness to women: they would else have

            been troubled by a pernicious suitor.

 

(Evey pulls her gloves tighter and retrieves her epeé. Squares her shoulders.)

 

Evey (BEATRICE)

            I thank God

            and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that: I

            had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man

            swear he loves me.

 

(V and Evey, now fully garbed, face each other, salute, and are en garde.)

 

V (BENEDICK)

            God keep your ladyship still in that mind! so

            some gentleman or other shall scape a predestinate

            scratched face.

 

(In a flurry of lightning-fast slashes, V fights Evey into a corner. Lands a solid thrust to her chest. Breaks off to let her recover.)

 

(When they reset for the next bout, Evey’s salute has the crisp edge of wounded pride.)

 

Evey (BEATRICE)

            Scratching could not make it worse, an ‘twere such

            a face as yours were.

 

(Evey takes advantage of V’s surprise. Lands a hit to his shoulder, a virtual “pinking”.)

 

(V’s annoyed glare transmits perfectly through the mask.)

 

V (BENEDICK)

            Well, you are a rare parrot teacher.

 

(The words are punctuated by another blur of parries and thrusts. Evey manages to avoid the dull tip of V’s blade, but must retreat several steps.)

 

Evey (BEATRICE)

            A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.

 

(She rallies. Thrusts wildly. The capped tip of her blade skates harmlessly across Guy Fawkes’ lacquered steel cheek.)

 

V (BENEDICK)

            I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and

            so good a continuer. But keep your way i’ God’s

            name, I have done.

 

(He gives a courtly bow as if yielding. When Evey turns, he gives her a light thwack across the backside.)

 

(Evey turns back, a high, angry flush on her cheeks.)

 

Evey (BEATRICE)

            You always end with a jade’s trick:

                        MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING, ACT I, scene i

 

(She cuts the air with another swwwp. Takes her a low stance. Menaces V, arm up, sword ready. V neither mimics her stance nor retreats.)

 

V: I see I overstepped my bounds.

 

Evey: You ARE a crazy person if you think I’ll let you end a match like that.

 

V: My last hit was unsportsmanlike. You deserve an apology.

 

Evey: You want to know what I’m made of? Come here. I’ll show you.

 

V: If the game has played too far, Evey, then I yield. I have no wish to harm you.

 

(Evey raises her chin defiantly. Makes a stab at V, who easily side-steps her. She over-balances, then wheels, recovering.)

 

Evey: You’re just sulking because I landed a hit to the face.

 

(V gazes at her, considering.)

 

Evey: I’m tired of being afraid, V. Stop messing about and fight me for real.

 

V: Are you so sure you want to know what I’m made of?

 

Evey: Bring it.

 

(V disarms her before she can react. Strips off her protective visor. Slams her to the carpet. Pins her arms. A dagger’s razor edge gently taps her throat, but draws no blood.)

 

(Evey is wide-eyed. Out of breath. Then her eyes narrow.)

 

Evey: I told you I wouldn’t win.

 

V (realizing): You goaded me.

 

Evey: I wanted to see how angry I had to make you before you snapped.

 

V: I am not angry.

 

Evey: No. You’re afraid.

 

(V pulls back as if to dispute.)

 

Evey: You’re afraid of what will happen -- you’re afraid because I’m a liability.

 

(V sheathes the dagger.)

 

V: We both made our choices. I am prepared to live with mine. (a faint chuckle) Literally.

 

(Evey props herself up on her elbows.)

 

Evey: For eleven months?

 

V: I can think of many less palatable choices for flatmate. You?

 

Evey: That depends on whether you’re going to use those daggers for real.

 

V: If I give you my word that you will be safe in my company, will you accept it?

 

(Evey looks him over as if trying to discern the expression beneath the mask.)

 

Evey: Ask me nicely and I’ll think about it.

 

(V slowly rises, his posture contrite. Holds out a hand: an offer and an entreaty.)

 

V: Will you accept both my apology and my word as a gentleman, Evey? Please?

 

(Evey considers the gloved hand.)

 

Evey: Will you show me how you disarmed me in five seconds flat?

 

V (surprised and pleased): If you wish.

 

Evey: If I can hold my own against you, I’ll probably be able to hold my own against anyone. That should make me less of a liability.

 

V: And you will without doubt make life more interesting.

 

(Evey takes the hand. V pulls her gently to her feet.)

 

V: I will not be an easy master, Evey.

 

Evey: Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but this isn’t an easy world.

 

V: When shall we begin?

 

Evey: Maybe after the movie?

 

(V cocks his head, questioning.)

 

Evey: THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO. You said it “gets you every time”. I’d like to see that.

 

(V’s mellifluous chuckle fills the room.)

 

V: I yield to my lady’s command.

 

(He offers her his arm. She takes it, smiling.)

 

(EXEUNT)